Tag Archives: Pregnancy

An Emotional Miscarriage

Part of the craziness of the past summer included 2 miscarriages for me. Before the 1st, I knew a few friends had had one, but I didn’t get it. I probably even said, “It’s because something was terribly wrong. It’s a good thing.” Or some version of that dreadful line. I didn’t know what to say. And I definitely had no way to relate. Our two boys’ pregnancies were smooth sailing. But now I get it. At least a little bit. Having a miscarriage is one of the most emotional things that I’ve gone through.

Unfortunately, it’s a special club that only those who have experienced it can understand. And then for some reason we never talk about it.

I had a missed miscarriage. That means I found out by ultrasound that our baby did not have a heartbeat and that I would be miscarrying sometime in the coming weeks. That day was full of mixed emotions. Disbelief. Hope that they were wrong (I’ve read lots of stories where that has happened). Guilt that something I had done caused it. Fear about what would happen. Heartbreak that we had lost our baby. Over the next few days life went on as normal in many ways. I still had to be mom, D still had to go to work and yet lingering over me was the threat of a miscarriage at any moment. I had the ultrasound on a Monday and I had the miscarriage that Friday. Those days passed like a haze. I know I was delusional because I went to the zoo one of those days. Thank goodness nothing happened then!

A dear friend was my ‘on call’ buddy. I knew I needed someone to be here, but Damien couldn’t just wait indefinitely for something to happen. My girlfriend had had a miscarriage and she was so kind to be with me. God orchestrated that day perfectly. My friend was here when I needed her, D was able to come right home, the boys were able to take their naps right in the middle of everything and the miscarriage was resolved by bedtime. I don’t understand why miscarriages happen (well, scientifically I do). But I do know that God is there. Even in the hurt and the heartbreak and the disappointment. He is there and He is good. I can’t explain that, but I can tell you beyond any doubt that I have experienced it.

Throughout the whole process, one of the biggest blessings was that I had announced the pregnancy before the ultrasound. And so then I told everyone that our baby did not have a heartbeat. The support and prayers and messages from friends who had experienced miscarriage too was overwhelming. I know that those prayers helped carry me through. I was stunned by how many of my friends knew exactly what it was like to lose a baby. Why don’t we talk about it more? Why don’t we support each other? Why do we not announce pregnancies before the end of the 1st trimester? Every baby matters. Every single one. Ask any mother who has lost one.

If you have had a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. Your baby(ies) are loved and you are loved. If you haven’t had a miscarriage, I am so glad for you! Find a friend who has and give them a hug. Pray for them. Get them some small token to remember the little ones they have lost. And don’t try to say anything to make it better.

And announce your pregnancies. Every baby matters. Just because they are lost before 12 weeks does not make them any less in God’s eyes. And definitely not in their mother’s eyes. Get the support that your heart will need.

And with that……

I just found out that I am pregnant!

I would love prayers for a healthy pregnancy and for peace.


To Be Honest With You…

A few weeks ago I found out that I have gestational diabetes. I’ve been super hesitant to tell anyone and it’s lame. I have been ashamed that somehow I failed this baby by having diabetes. Especially since so many of my friends are pregnant right now or were recently and none of them had it.

In my head I know that feeling ashamed is absurd, but it’s hard to get past. I have always really struggled with my body image and this seems to have fallen into the same category. It’s hard not to be jealous of my super skinny friends or the gorgeous, thin moms I know.

I’m proud of myself for how active I’ve been and how I’ve been working hard to be healthy. It was just kind of a tough blow to find out about the diabetes. It seems like a bigger deal when there’s an official name for something you’re struggling with.

Thankfully, with a well managed diet (which really hasn’t been too hard) there are very few risks to the baby or I. The biggest risk is that if my blood glucose goes unchecked it can lead to a big baby which could increase my risk for c-section. So as long as I eat well, we’re good to go. I’d say that’s a pretty easy thing to manage in order to keep us healthy!

I also have to admit that testing my blood sugar 4 times a day is fascinating. The geeky, science-y part of me is loving learning what different foods do to my glucose levels. Poking my finger doesn’t bother me at all, and when they tell you that white starchy flours like pasta or tortillas are worse than oatmeal, they aren’t kidding! My glucose levels are different by 20-30 points depending on what I eat. It’s pretty crazy.

All in all I am so thankful that for all of the things that could have happened, I have Gestational Diabetes. It’s easy to manage and there aren’t really any risks to the baby as long as I keep my blood sugar under control. I’d say that’s not bad at all.

I’m also glad that I shared. I feel a lot better after being honest about what’s going on. The people I have told are super supportive and I need that support. Thank you.

Time Flies

Little C has been such fun lately. He’s turning into a real person who can play and communicate and be silly. Most of my day still involves just keeping him alive, but now there’s interaction. He can give kisses and hugs and ask for help. My favorite is when he finds his pacifier on a table or the couch and lets out this evil cackle of delight. When we catch him he gives us the biggest smile and laughs uncontrollably. He’s also started babbling about everything. He’s trying so hard to talk to us and it’s fun to just make up what he’s talking about. I love watching him explore the world around him.

Spending so much time with him has made this pregnancy fly by. I’m already at 29.5 weeks! I’ll be in the single digits soon. I am mostly excited to meet little brother, but I admit I’m nervous too. 2 kids? It’s going to be crazy. Inevitably, I’m not going to spend as much time with C. At least not 1 on 1. I’m a little sad about that, but I’m also so excited for him to meet his little brother. He loves his friend S and I think he’s going to be a great older brother.

I’m also nervous for the first few weeks after brother joins us. I was a wreck with C. I wouldn’t say I had post partum depression, but it was the toughest few weeks of my life. I guess I had always assumed the hard part was actually having the baby. No one warned me what the first several weeks were like. Between nursing issues and just the craziness of hormones, I would cry at the drop of a hat. If you know me well, crying isn’t really something I did – until I became a mom. I’m just so thankful for a supportive husband, family, and friends that help me realize I am the absolute best mom for my son(s). There’s no such thing as a perfect mom, but I am the best mom for my family.

If you are a new mom, remember you are the mom God chose for your kid(s). If you’re about to be a mom, don’t let those hormones convince you otherwise and don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept it when offered! If a friend just had a baby – bring them dinner (and don’t expect to stay), pray for them, and offer to help. I mean the no fun help – laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and holding the crying baby so mom can take a shower (well, that can be fun). Also, no horror stories to pregnant friends or new moms. What a terrible way to add stress to an already crazy time!

I still can’t believe I’m a mom at all, much less a soon to be mom of two. I am so thankful that God has blessed our family, and I am always praying that I can raise our kids to honor Him.