Tag Archives: miscarriage

An Emotional Miscarriage

Part of the craziness of the past summer included 2 miscarriages for me. Before the 1st, I knew a few friends had had one, but I didn’t get it. I probably even said, “It’s because something was terribly wrong. It’s a good thing.” Or some version of that dreadful line. I didn’t know what to say. And I definitely had no way to relate. Our two boys’ pregnancies were smooth sailing. But now I get it. At least a little bit. Having a miscarriage is one of the most emotional things that I’ve gone through.

Unfortunately, it’s a special club that only those who have experienced it can understand. And then for some reason we never talk about it.

I had a missed miscarriage. That means I found out by ultrasound that our baby did not have a heartbeat and that I would be miscarrying sometime in the coming weeks. That day was full of mixed emotions. Disbelief. Hope that they were wrong (I’ve read lots of stories where that has happened). Guilt that something I had done caused it. Fear about what would happen. Heartbreak that we had lost our baby. Over the next few days life went on as normal in many ways. I still had to be mom, D still had to go to work and yet lingering over me was the threat of a miscarriage at any moment. I had the ultrasound on a Monday and I had the miscarriage that Friday. Those days passed like a haze. I know I was delusional because I went to the zoo one of those days. Thank goodness nothing happened then!

A dear friend was my ‘on call’ buddy. I knew I needed someone to be here, but Damien couldn’t just wait indefinitely for something to happen. My girlfriend had had a miscarriage and she was so kind to be with me. God orchestrated that day perfectly. My friend was here when I needed her, D was able to come right home, the boys were able to take their naps right in the middle of everything and the miscarriage was resolved by bedtime. I don’t understand why miscarriages happen (well, scientifically I do). But I do know that God is there. Even in the hurt and the heartbreak and the disappointment. He is there and He is good. I can’t explain that, but I can tell you beyond any doubt that I have experienced it.

Throughout the whole process, one of the biggest blessings was that I had announced the pregnancy before the ultrasound. And so then I told everyone that our baby did not have a heartbeat. The support and prayers and messages from friends who had experienced miscarriage too was overwhelming. I know that those prayers helped carry me through. I was stunned by how many of my friends knew exactly what it was like to lose a baby. Why don’t we talk about it more? Why don’t we support each other? Why do we not announce pregnancies before the end of the 1st trimester? Every baby matters. Every single one. Ask any mother who has lost one.

If you have had a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. Your baby(ies) are loved and you are loved. If you haven’t had a miscarriage, I am so glad for you! Find a friend who has and give them a hug. Pray for them. Get them some small token to remember the little ones they have lost. And don’t try to say anything to make it better.

And announce your pregnancies. Every baby matters. Just because they are lost before 12 weeks does not make them any less in God’s eyes. And definitely not in their mother’s eyes. Get the support that your heart will need.

And with that……

I just found out that I am pregnant!

I would love prayers for a healthy pregnancy and for peace.


Trusting God

It’s been too long since I posted. And SO much has happened.

But I want to start with Trusting God.

I’ve been a Christian for a long time and sometimes I feel like I’m in this rut of doing the same things over and over. Like I’m not growing or changing or becoming more like Christ. I mostly just felt stuck in my safe, comfortable little Christian bubble. And moving to the Bible belt to work at a Christian company magnified that beyond compare.

But how could I grow? My deepest wish is to show compassion and grace and love like Jesus did. But what does that look like? Where do I start if I just feel blah inside?

This summer, God has taught me to trust Him more than I ever have before.

Trust Him with two broken feet right before my first ever Half Marathon.

Trust Him to show me a new passion in exercise.

Trust Him with feeling like we belong in TN.

Trust Him with finding a house.

Trust Him with growing our family.

Trust Him to bring me friends that I can really connect with.

Trust Him to give me comfort in my darkest times.

Trust Him.

If you had asked, I would have told you I did trust God. I would have been sure of it. But over the past 15 months we have had more challenges thrown at us than ever before. And over and over and over again God showed up. Not always how we wanted, but He has been there.

My favorite thing to do is drive somewhere alone. I turn off the radio and I just talk to God. As if He was actually sitting in the seat next to me. Often times, I’m crying. But that time has been so healing for me. I know that this is exactly the journey he has for us. Each thing that happens open the doors for new things. It doesn’t make the pain of two miscarriages disappear, but it provides hope. I hope and I trust and I know that God has a plan for my life. It’s not the plan I have for my life, it’s better.

Trust Him.

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