I shared yesterday that this move has been tough, but I wanted to share a little more.
I’m having a hard time coping with everything.
The little one rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time (if that), we’ve been here just long enough for the fun new-ness to have worn off, I struggle with being an emotional eater, the boys sharing a room is really tough, Damien gets home almost 2 hours later than I am used to, and having a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old is proving to be quite the challenge. In short, I’m a mess.
I don’t know if I would call it depression, but I definitely struggle to not be gloomy all the time. I’m a people person, so I am generally always happy around other people. But alone – at home, that’s not the case.
My first year teaching was covered in a cloud of gloom. I was so stressed about all of the tasks on hand and especially anxious about being a good teacher. I felt physically ill almost every Sunday night before the start of the next week. I’m not sure how I survived that year, but with Damien’s support, a great partner teacher and a ton of prayer, I made it.
The next year, I was able to go to China for two weeks on a mission trip. Our job would be to teach English as a summer camp to students who wanted/needed/were able to afford extra practice from an ‘authentic English speaker.’ I was responsible for creating the curriculum all of our teaching teams would use and I liked the challenge. If you know me, you know that I like to be in charge. This I could do. When we arrived, we found out that we would be working at three campuses, not one. And since I was the ‘professional’ teacher, I would go alone to a campus 45 minutes away, teach all day and then travel back. By myself. I like to be in charge. I don’t like to be alone. Especially in a foreign country! The first day I felt like puking on the way to the campus. I had no idea what I was doing, I didn’t speak Chinese, and I was on my own.
From the time I found out I’d have to go to a separate campus, I started praying. I knew I needed God’s strength to handle it. Even though I liked to be in charge, I really had no confidence in my teaching ability. I believed that I wasn’t any good at it. I think my prayers were something along the line of “You have to fix me. You brought me here and then sent me away by myself. So you have to make me work. I can’t spend my one short week on the verge of vomitting so make this go away. You put me in this situation, so now You’re going to make it better.” And you know what? He did. Since that trip I have had almost zero anxiety or depression when it comes to teaching.
And then we had Big C. No one tells you that the hormones after having the baby are worse than when you are pregnant. I was a wreck after having a baby. It felt like a roller coaster. I cried a lot, struggled a lot, and begged for God’s patience and strength because I didn’t have any left. Slowly, God taught me how to handle being a mother and I learned how to handle the ups and downs of having a little one.
Then came the little one. The first months of his life seemed like a breeze compared to the first time around. I ‘knew what I was doing.’ And I felt confident as a mom. So how’d we mix it up this time? Oh yeah, a move to Nashville!
The last 2-3 weeks have been some of the toughest I’ve had. I’m struggling with the move, I’m struggling as a mom, and I’m struggling as a wife. I shared my stories for my sake. They prove to me that God is there in the rough times. He uses them to teach me and to make me a better person. This storm will pass and I will be stronger for it. It’s just incredibly hard to see that right now. In the middle of the night when I’m exhausted and crying, I need to remember that Christ gives me strength.
Life will go on. God will help me overcome this challenge and the next one will come. Change is good. Growth is good.
1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.